I Always Loved You
by Seaglow
Summary: "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ― Flavia Weedn DenNor, character death(s), one-shot


**Disclaimer: Hetalia does not belong to me and all rights go to the respective owner(s).**

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_It was December, only days before Christmas. The sky was an inky black, the full moon hidden behind a thick blanket of clouds. Snow covered the ground in a sparkling layer of white, untouched and pure. The air was still, only the occasional brush of the wind across the top of the snow. It was cold, the wind adding to the chill, making the snow crisp underfoot. Curiously, mist hovered just above the snow, swirling around in small wisps and stretching out its tendrils to whoever approached._

_I recall seeing his figure through the mist, growing more defined the closer I approached. I was clueless as to why he was out in the middle of nowhere, even more so as to why he had not said anything about this little adventure. He usually had trouble staying silent for even a minute, and yet he was quiet as the night surrounding us. My footsteps sounded loud and seemed to echo around us as I walked towards him, the snow crackling with each step I took. He had stayed perfectly still the entire time I came towards him, his back facing me as he looked towards the north, though only the swirling mist visible. I stopped a few feet away from him, the wind picking up slightly and kicking up some of the snow, the delicate flakes caressing my numb cheeks. I was hesitant to break the silence bearing down on us, and yet it made me shift uncomfortably. He broke the silence as I opened my mouth to speak._

_"It's beautiful, isn't it?" He murmured, voice surprisingly soft._

_I hesitated, unsure whether he wished for me to answer or not. I waited for a few moments before responding._

_"Yes, I suppose it is."_

_He still hadn't moved, the wind pulling at his jacket and hair. From what I could tell he looked normal enough, but I should have known better than to go by appearance._

_"Will you go on an adventure with me?"_

_I was honestly taken aback by the question at the time, staring at the back of his head in surprise._

_"Are you insane? It's freezing out here."_

_When he turned to look at me, I took a step back. His eyes; I had always loved those eyes, able to get lost in them at any given moment. But now, as I stared at him, I was scared. No, more shocked. They weren't their usual vivid blue, instead a dark shade of navy. I should have taken that as a clue that something was wrong, but I brushed it off instead. He tilted his head slightly to the side and smiled at me._

_"So? It'll be fun."_

_I still shook my head, refusing._

_"No, I am not going on some pointless adventure with you to who knows where."_

_He had smiled sadly; his eye shining with an emotion I couldn't place at the time, and still can't today, though I have a vague idea._

_"I understand." He had turned back around, looking to the north once again. I was hesitant to leave, an odd feeling urging me to stay. Instead, I turned around and left, leaving him standing in below zero cold, surrounded by impenetrable mist, and alone. Only days later, he was reported missing. In a week's time, reported dead._

_Now as I look back, I can't help but wonder what 'adventure' he had in mind, wonder what would have happened if I had gone with him. Would he still be dead? Would he be alive? Or would I just be dead with him? Many thoughts like these run through my mind on a daily basis, whether it's in the morning when I wake up or when I'm getting ready to sleep for the night. I can't stop them and I wouldn't want to. It helps me remember that I could have saved him if I had just stayed._

_I won't deny that I went through a phase of depression after He left. I would stay curled up in my bed, staring at the wall with sightless eyes as I went through the memories I had of him. My brother, Emil, tried many times to talk to me, even Berwald and Tino tried. Nothing worked, not for the longest time. I was content with my memories and thoughts, though they did nothing to help me recover. If anything, they made me worse, but I couldn't just let go of him so easily._

_I recovered suddenly one day, just decided to get out of bed and move. I packed up my things and moved, denying that anything was wrong when the others asked about the sudden changes. I found a small town many miles away from my original home and got a steady job at a local library, able to buy myself a small house on the outskirts of town. I didn't commune with the townspeople much, preferring to stay in my secluded area. The nice thing was whenever I was in town, the people never bothered me. They were polite, greeting me when they passed, but otherwise minded their own business. They did not ask about my personal life, unlike my brother._

_Emil was concerned; I saw it in his eyes each time he visited. He visited more often than he used to, sometimes Tino or Berwald accompanying him though not often due to the new son they now had. I assumed it was because of my period of depression, and they wanted to be sure that it didn't happen again. It's not like I didn't appreciate it, just sometimes I wanted to be left alone._

_On days like those, I found a comfortable place in my house with a blanket and an old plush rabbit that He had given me long ago. It was tattered and its colors faded, and I hadn't touched it in years, but it was the only thing I had kept that had once belonged to him. It was a silly thing, something he had given me long ago when he discovered my secret love for rabbits, but I loved it all the same. On those days, all I did was think about him. I stared out the window and went through the memories like I had done in the past, wishing I could have said something else or done something different. I had always been so harsh towards him, rejecting his affection. And yet, he never seemed daunted. He laughed it off with that grin of his; a grin I would never see again._

_There were many things I wished I could have said to him, too many to count. I always thought I had more time, that I would gather up the courage eventually. Fate was cruel though, and my chances slid from my fingers in the blink of an eye. Emil had been the only one who had known, mainly because he was the only one I fully trusted to keep it secret. I only told him so much, preferring to keep some of the things to myself. I knew he suspected I wasn't telling him the whole truth, but he didn't pry. I was grateful he didn't, but after He left, I told Emil everything. There was no point in keeping it secret when He was gone. Emil didn't react much, merely accepted it to which I was grateful. Though he did ask a question, a question I have yet to answer. He asked why._

_I couldn't answer. I refused to, and he was frustrated with my response. I just couldn't explain to him why I hid my true feelings. Why I hid my feelings from everyone for that matter, even him. If I had to tell him, I would tell him it hurts too much. He wouldn't understand which is exactly why I don't tell him. My relationship with him is delicate, easily shattered, so I have to be careful with what I tell him. I still need him and I always will. I don't know what I would do without him._

_I now know I should have known better than to be so cold, to treat Him the way I did. The only reason I did, was because I was scared. To be honest, I didn't want to face what could possibly be a horrible ending. For you see, I loved him. And I lost my chance to tell him four years ago, when he died December 26, alone. And despite my doubts, I like to think he felt the same way._

_I suppose I'll find out soon. Maybe in another life we can both be happy together, and have what we never did in this world. I'm leaving this last note behind for anyone who wishes to know why I did what I did, and to tell you that you shouldn't wait. The chance will be gone before you know it. I learned that the hard way._

_In the hopes of meeting the only one I ever truly loved once again, I say goodbye to this world._

_Signed,_

_Lukas Bondevik_

It was December, the night of Christmas Eve. Snow fell silently from the clouded sky above, the small flakes landing gently among the mounds that had already gathered on the ground. A distant church bell sounded in the distance, signaling that it was midnight and now Christmas. A graveyard nestled in a small grove of trees stood empty, the gravestones bare and sticking out in the harsh white of the snow. A lone figure stood among these stones, his coat collar turned up against the chill of the light breeze.

He stood before one small gravestone, bare and untouched like the rest save for a light dusting of snow along the top. On the ground in front of the stone lay a bundle of flowers, long since having died due to the frigid cold of winter. The figure sighed softly, his breath coming out in a small cloud. A puffin from a nearby tree flew down to rest on the young man's shoulder, letting out a low trill as if to comfort its obvious owner.

The man acknowledged the bird with a small nod of his head, lifting his gaze from the gravestone and looking up at the night sky. The snow fluttered down to come to a rest on his upturned face, catching in his eyelashes and hair. With another quiet sigh, he looked back down at the gravestone for a final time.

"Gleðileg jól, bróðir," He murmured. As he turned away, the puffin let out another soft trill and took to the air, flying above the young man as he walked away from the small stone where two names were currently carved:

_Matthias Køhler & Lukas Bondevik_

_xxxx-xxxx xxxx-xxxx_

_Forever missed_

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Translations (I apologize if they are inaccurate. I only have online translators to use):

_Gleðileg jól bróðir - _Merry Christmas, brother (Icelandic)

Hope you enjoyed. Reviews are appreciated~


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